Opinions upon a poem I wrote?

That's actually not that bad. You may actually be able to write. Break it into stanzas. Cut out about half of it. Don't make the rhythm so metronomic, and don't make your rhymes sound so exact. Read Yeats's early poems. The cloak, the boat and the shoes. Look at how he wrote a genius poem in just a few lines. His rhyming is beautiful because it's so simple and elegant. His poems are genius because they're so focused and wholly realized. You may be able to write, but you need to read a lot and learn how to write poetry.